You may best remember Pattie Mallette, the woman who gave birth to pop music antichrist Justin Bieber, for appearing on Today and imagining an alternate universe in which she had an abortion at 17, Justin Bieber was never born, and some other tween music icon was taking up shelf space in popular culture. What if instead of Justin Bieber the world got a 16-year-old Scandinavian boy named Erik Arnülfgrshndrtgrtn? How then could we ever hope to come up with an easily deployable slant rhyme like "Bieber fever" to show just how deeply Erik has infected us all with his catchy tunes?